15 years old daughter

Posted by Clarins (207 days ago)

Hi ladies, i posted on the parenting forum about my 15 years old but it looks the forum is reserved for toddlers topics...
Any of you have teenagers or a good experience about them?
Please check my post and if it happens you have points of vue, advices.... you would help me!!

Thanks a lot!

(I am based in Singapore)

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Posted by Little Carmen (206 days ago)

Why not repost your thread here, so we dont have to go back to that forum to look for your thread :o)

Most of us may not have 15 year olds but we were all teenagers once, who knows, there may be some insight in it somewhere.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Little Carmen (206 days ago)

Right, I went over there (curiosity was killing me) and read the thread...

Hmm...

Right, I am the middle child. My sister is about 5 years older than me and I have a younger brother about 4 years younger than me. When my sister was 15 she was sent off, on scholarship, to a catholic boarding school in Japan somewhere, so really, I dont think she got up to to much trouble until she hit college, by which time she made up for lost time.

Me on the other hand, I was stuck in Hong Kong with my folks.

What was I doing at 15? I was sipping shandy's, smoking ciggarettes and hanging out a the beach with friends in the hopes of catching the attention of young guys also lounging around...that was during the holidays.

At 16? I was sneaking out of the house until about 2 or 3am, drinking, smoking and doing the occasional recreational "chill pill" when my friend used to hook me up. These things used to make you feel like you were walking on a cloud. I wasnt having sex yet but I was certainly getting into my fair bit of hangovers, dancing in discotheques and getting old guys to buy me drinks.

Let me explain my family life. My father was always away on some business trip or the other. My mother was a right "You will live by my rules" hardass, AND she used to sneak through my journals. Which she had a hard time keeping to herself when she said things like "You may call me a Bi*ch or whatever you want, but as long as you are under my roof, you will live by my rules" and then I'd be like, wwwaaaaiiiiitttttt, when have I ever called her a.......oh, my god, the b****, she's been reading my journals!!!! lol. Which instantly made it impossible to trust her, and made me more sneaky than ever.

I came from an upper middle class family, my parents didnt smoke or do drugs. My father liked the occasional drink, but all in all, we were the average. Truth is, all of us, to some degree or a greater one, my sister, me and my brother, have done drugs at some point. My brother and I more so than my sister...and even dabbling in dealing by the time we made it to college. This had nothing to do with how we were raised, but to do with the friends we made...peer pressure and our need to fit in...it could also have had to do with coming from a very controlling environment, but hey, parents cant control everything. We each thought we knew what we were doing.

Hey, dont get me wrong here...thats the way ALL teenagers think. When I look back, I remember just how egocentric I was...its like being a toddler all over again. The whole "you dont understand" and "you're just old, what do you know!" *rolling eyes*.

But I hate to put the fear of God in you...but once I got busted for sneaking out, when I was 17, by this point I was already having sex and drinking pretty regular...it was no point being beaten or grounded...If I had been given a bit more trust and communication earlier, it may not have made me as big a liar, or as sneaky, or as needy for attention. Think about it, I was given a pocket money of HKD120 a month when other kids were getting HKD1000 or HKD3000....granted, those kids were probably smoking weed and shooting heroin, but it didnt make me any less likely to wake up drunk, it just meant I would sneak through my Dad's briefcase and knick change, and every now and then I would steal notes. I'd make it a point to steal foreign currency, that way it was harder to keep track of...

Dont look surprised or shocked, when I made it to college, I found out that my younger brother, despite being given a lot more freedom by the time he made it to 16 and 17, was also stealing from my fathers wallet...despite getting HKD500 a month (again, probably in the hopes he would be controlled in his spending on things like drugs or "hanging with the wrong crowd") but he would actually go to raves on that HKD500, buy an E and be away...then make it home while my folks were still asleep and sleep through the next day.

Doesnt matter how much trust, or how open you are...its all about the friends your kids make...and the foundation you give them, long before they ever make it to 15. The other thing about being given very little pocketmoney (which some parents do to keep kids on a leash), not only did it make me a good thief and someone capable of blagging drinks from old guys, it also made me notoriously incapable of understanding the value of money when I did get to college...so I spent a lot of my parents money without regard once I got my hands on college pocket money. My months allowance was always gone within the first 4 days! Not until I got my own job did I learn the value of money.

I mean, if I was you, I'd do what I can to make sure you are building bridges with the middle one before its too late...and I would also stop sneaking through my kids stuff. Trust, once gone, its a two way street. She may be lying to you, but lying is a disease that all teenagers get. I was sneaking out long before my parents caught me...and trust me, I started late in life, other girls in my school started at 11 and 12...and they were having sex by 13 and 14...trust me on this, I was a late bloomer.

len has a point, a whole host of very valid points...he's bang on the money...its scary. Just start treating your kid as an adult and let her make her own mistakes, coz the moment you tell her not to do something, she will go and do it.

Me being the middle child, I am now, at 30+, the most open, honest and approachable of the three of us...but I am also the one with a bigger history of drug and alcohol abuse, I have been tattoed and pierced several times over...and well, I still turned out ok. Lol. I work a good job, I have good friends, I have a sturdy relationship with my parents and siblings...highschool and being a teenager, its just a phase, we all still turn out ok in the end. Ease off, maybe what you need is trust and a bit of a longer leash attached to that choke collar. Coz no matter what you want to do right, you're kids will still fight to be noticed as individuals. A basic chat about condoms and protection couldnt hurt either...no matter how squirmish that makes you both. Professional advice on how to go about things, couldnt hurt either...but all in all, a bit of give...but still keep that choke collar on the kid for emergency purposes.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by len_in_shanghai (206 days ago)

well...Little C proved my point on the same thread you posted under parenting.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Little Carmen (206 days ago)

indeed, len...reading your response to that thread I had to agree with pretty much everything you said. Its horrible and painful, but the truth is I see a lot of what I got up to in what Clarins is saying about her own daughter...and I do feel for Clarins, but at the same time, I know there is no point in lying to her to make her feel better.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (205 days ago)

If Carmen's story was a universal one, I'd have to agree. However, it isn't. In the main, most teenagers may do a bit of experimenting with this and that, but the determining factor as to how it all turns out is the teenager's relationship with his/her parents.

Clarins wouldn't be the only parent who has discovered things that their children have tried to hide from them, and who has grounded them or set limits with good effect. It's worse if parents do not take some action when they do find out, along with some counselling and demonstrations of caring - not scolding.

It sounds like you had rules without counselling or compassion Little Carmen, and rebelled. In fact, I can say from years of experience in this field that the children who generally go on to have problems are those who have poor parental guidance and interest, and who are punished without given a sense of empathy or emotional support and understanding.

Many teenagers complain to me that their parents are just not interested in them except to scold them. Clarins hardly seems in that category to me.

It is about keeping up a healthy and interested relationship so that when punishment does come it is accepted as reasonable, and even actually welcomed as being helpful. If it is seen as aggression by the teenager, of course they will lash out even more.

The good news is that according to all the research - and you may be surprised by this - parents remain the biggest influence on their children's behaviour, and most teens do resist peer pressure and stick to family values if they have been firmly instilled in a child and the parents do not act in a hypocritical way.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by len_in_shanghai (205 days ago)

The point here is that CLarins' baby wasn't properly educated when she was a toddler, and there is no way you can undo this when the kid is a teenager. Clarins' baby was overprotected and overpampered. How do I know that? Just take any book regarding social behaviour and/or psychological patterns and you will reach the same conclusion as me. This case is unfortunately too clear and too common these days.

Punishment must be carried when the child does not follow the established rules, but IN THIS PARTICULAR CASE the only way to deal with this kid is ONLY by negociating. Otherwise I expect to see a serious antisocial behaviour once the parents want to impose rules they did not have when the child was a kid.

Don't believe me? Just wait and see...

(I am based in Unspecified)