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Boyfriend Slept with Prostitute

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Posted by graceful (112 days ago)

hoyo, your analysis perhaps have some truth to it as I was not able to keep those guyfriends after I got back to him. I kept all my girlfriends who went through all the hard times with me. They supported my decision whether it is right or wrong. One of my guyfriends (also my best friend then) told me that I do not need to worry about getting a better guy, he is absolutely sure that I can get a better guy easily. Yes, he refused to attend my wedding.

To be honest, I have been in relationship with my then BF for 3 years but the cheating happened 1 year after our relationship. I did not know about this until I saw his e-mails 2 years later (I accidently saw it). It was devastating as I never dream that my bf (or any guy that I choose) cheat on me. I respected him so much that when all the signs happened like he turned off his phone, phone not assessible, walks away to speak on the phone, going to ball without me etc... I told myself, no, there is reasons for all these. I should respect his space and I should trust him. I never once ask or check on him. But girls, if you feel something is wrong, it most probably is.

If you asked me should I leave for good and not get back together, I most probably should have done that. Because I do not have the same respect for him as I should on a special person. A husband/BF should have respect from you beside love. Love, lust is important to a relationship but trust and respect will carry you through your life.

My relationship has crack and I accepted this when I get back to him. If I am to do it all over again, I may choose not to get back. Chilling ya? I still love him but I changed from what I used to be. I used to be a very optimistic person but today, I am more cynical and realistic. I do not like myself to be like this but people changed from their experience, that is life.

Will he do it again? Maybe or maybe not. To be honest, I will leave for good if he does it again and he knows it.

Are we happy? Yes, I guess as happy as any couple. But something is missing of course in this relationship. I do not show him this as it will not be possible to carry on with your life if you bring all the negative forces to the daily life. However, I know what is missing and I have my regrets. (I know most guys in this forum will think I am bullshiting here... or I should have just left him) maybe...

ori888, it is your call. It will not be the same again unfortunately. Can you accept that?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Nemesis (110 days ago)

DB, you said sleeping with a hooker equals jerking off to porn. Sleeping with a hooker involves another human being who is physically present, while jerking off to porn is a solo act and involves no more than moving or still pictures or just imagination. My only point was try to see hookers as human beings too. I wasn't talking about emotional attachment. Never mind.

As for the close your eyes and think of England quote, thanks for your explanation but I do know its origin. You replied just as I expected you would reply. I only used the quote to point out that women too can have sex without emotional attachment, and - even worse for the male ego - without enjoyment. As much as you are not emotionally attached to the hookers you sleep with, they are equally not emotionally attached to you. * So it is not a male prerogative to sleep with someone without emotional attachment.

As for not telling your partner that you have slept with a hooker because it means nothing, if physical faithfulness is an important issue to your partner, and more importantly honesty in general, isn't your not telling about sleeping with someone else (hooker or non-hooker) a terrible thing to do your partner? And do you really think that they will not find out, sooner or later? I think the present story already illustrates it. Some partners may pretend not to know or do not want to know, but believe me your partner will know even if it takes some time, because they are the person closest to you.

As for the wank, I could care less if my partner told me that he had wanked himself silly because he needed to get some load off (others may think differently about it). However, the feeling would change if he slept with a hooker and 'didn't mention it because it meant nothing'. It may not have meant something to him, but it does mean something to me ... and that is the point I have been trying to make.

It doesn't matter what the common opinion is about sleeping with hookers (or sleeping around for that matter), and it doesn't even matter what your opinion is. What matters is how your partner feels about it. If your partner doesn't think it is an issue, cool go ahead. However, if they think it is an issue, I think you should at least have the decency to consider it before acting, after all they are the one you supposedly love.

I try not to intently hurt the ones I love. But then again, that is probably just me.

Ori888, I hope my essay hasn't tired you even more. It may seem the end of the world for you at the moment but you will survive. Just take your time to find out what you truly want.

* edited for clarification

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Nemesis (107 days ago)

DB, you may be speaking as a man, but I hope you realise and are able to accept that you do not speak for all men, let alone for all people.

Have you ever been cheated on? Lets put it in another way, have you ever experienced the feeling of being cheated on, regardless what may have been the cause? I think it shows at best a lack of empathy to think that it is ridiculous that someone is hurt by the fact their partner slept with a prostitute, only because you think it is far worse if their partner would be masturbating with the person's sister or best friend in mind.

As I said numerous times before, allow and respect that people may feel differently than you. And please do not make it a gender issue. We are talking about an individual who is hurt. Pain is not restricted to one gender. Also, you cannot rationalise in matters of the heart. As Blaise Pascal once wrote: "Le cœur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point." Freely translated, the heart has its reasons that cannot be reasoned. Mind you, Pascal was a mathematician.

I think it is unrealistic to assume that in a relationship one will never have lust for someone else during the course of the relationship. And it is not unlikely that the other person could be a close friend, a relative, movie star, a rock idol, a porn star or a hooker. However, whether you act out on it, makes the difference to me. And this is how I, moi, ich, yo, io, ngo, wǒ, think about it. And I am not speaking as a woman but as an individual, and I realise other people may have a different breaking point.

You seem to premise your arguments on ill-founded assumptions. You are of the opinion that women cannot sleep with men with equal emotional detachment. I have touched this issue in one of my previous posts, but obviously you have again not read it. Do you really think that the hooker you sleep with for that one time only, has an emotional attachment to you? Or, are female hookers excluded from your definition of women?

If your partner fantasises about another person, be it your best friend or relative, while you two are having sex, or while they are alone, does it mean that he or she is per definition emotionally cheating on you? Are you, DB, going to leave your partner for this? You have said that you think it is worse than physical infidelity, i.e. physical infidelity without emotional attachment.

Like I said before, for me and perhaps for me only, it will be decisive whether that fantasy is going to be put into actions towards that third person. Yes, my partner can be thinking of someone else. Like I said, I cannot control his thoughts, nor prohibit him to think of others. It can be for a fleeting moment, or for a lifetime. What matters to me is if he values me and our relationship more than those thoughts, and treat me accordingly. That being said, it could also be me who has these thoughts.

It is not my aim to win the upper hand in this debate, because there is nothing to be gained by it. Ori888 is not helped by it. I have only posted in this thread to empathise with her. I only wanted to say that in a situation like this I think that what the person involved feels, is far more important than the popular or abstract views on fidelity. This is not the Think! forum but the marriage and relationships forum ...

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Digital Blonde (107 days ago)

Last point I make here, I am fed up with this forum in general, I personally am not interested in other peoples marriage or relationship issues. This thread is an anomoly for me.

Yes you are right everybody does fantasize about some one else at some point. My main two points are this , that men well they can cheat on you emotionally, or they can cheat on you physically, it's up to you which you prefer and feel is the lesser of two evils. My second point is if like me you feel the latter is the lesser of the two evils, then perhaps you are better of not knowing it is going on in the first place, if we ignore safety considerations and assume the man is being careful, and these trysts are not putting you in harms way, then ultimately they have no bearing on your relationship. I use the point because the previous poster suggests that she has no qualms about her husband fantasizing over a close relative, friend or even ex and seems to think that it is somehow the lesser of the two evils. Well speaking as a man, I can certainly tell you what invokes more emotional attachment, doing that or seeing a prostitute, no question. Fantasising over someone who might very well be attainable, well its emotionally cheating if their is some kind of relationship involved and there is no mitigating it just because the man has not acted out on the fantasy.

My Main point is that there are something we don't need to know about our partners, who or with what they are choosing to blow their load with or over (I use that phrase as opposed to making love or even having sex, because in some cases I'd go as far as saying some men dont actually have sex with the prostitutes they hire) and who our partners are fantasizing over or whether they are indeed at all doing so when we are in bed with them is not something we need to know ever. Imagine if your partner cried out your best friends name in the throws of an orgasm. If you didn't find that disconcerting in the slightest then you have some seriously thick skin.

If you want to argue that when you got married to your husband or into a relationship with your partner there is an implied agreement between both individuals not to sleep with other people and him or her doing so disrespects that agreement and therefore the individual. I would agree with that and if for that reason you feel the need to chastise your partner of break it of with them, fair enough. But cheating on you when there is no emotional attachment especially from a man's perspective it is most definitely not. Not in the same way as I view him fantasizing over your best friend or sister would be, yet for some reason women seem to take less offensive at that concept then him sleeping with some hooker who meant nothing he paid for and will never see again. That notion is ridiculous to say the least. It is not the body that either men or women cheat with, it is the mind.

(I am based in Hong Kong)